Visions and Dreams
by Faelady
Summary: Ten years after leaving Hitomi leaves Gaea, she and Van must come to terms with lives that must be lived-without each other. Hitomi x Van
1. Chapter 1

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Title: Visions and Dreams, part I

Series: Escaflowne

Pairing: Van x Hitomi

Theme: You only want what you cannot have. (Week 14)

AN: Ummm, don't kill me... I think this fic wants to be about three chapters long, so if the ending seems a bit inconclusive, there should be more (I hope...). Also, this is strictly series based, ignoring the movie (not that I hate the movie, but the series is soooooo much better). **This is an edited lemon, so please keep in mind that there may still be vague sexual references in this fic. **This was originally written for the MakinLemonade challenge, thus the theme information.

Disclaimer: Escaflowne is not mine. All characters are the property of the original creator (whoever that is, because I'm not sure).

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Hitomi woke from the dream as she usually did, drenched in sweat and tangled in her sheets, with the fading pulses of pleasure washing through her body.

She had dreamed of Van ever since she had returned from Gaea. At first, they were dreams of tender kisses and moments shared between two people just beginning to learn about love and each other. The dreams had been infrequent, with sometimes none at all for months at a time. As Hitomi had grown older, the dreams had shifted in nature, becoming passionate displays of affection between lovers who knew each other almost soul-deep.

The dreams had also been coming more and more regularly over the past couple of years, intensifying in frequency until now when at least once a week she woke as she had tonight. Satisfied, but longing for the warmth of her lover beside her—warmth she had never experienced outside the dream.

Knowing she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, Hitomi rolled over in bed to check the clock.

6:00 a.m. Insanely early to get up on the weekend, especially when she didn't have to, but a perfect time for a run. Especially now, during the last days of summer, when the cool mornings were the best time to do anything physical outdoors.

Hitomi rolled out of bed and stripped off her sweaty nightgown. The nightgown went neatly into the dirty clothes hamper and she turned to the closet and pulled out her running gear from the folded pile on a shelf. She put it on without bothering to wash, knowing that she was about to get even sweatier, anyway.

She had kept on running even after graduating from high school, though she hadn't joined her college track team. Now she just ran for her health—her mental health. Her morning run was usually her 'clear the head and get ready for the day' time.

This morning, as her feet pounded the pavement through her neighborhood, her thoughts refused to stray very far from last night's dream or from the star of that dream. She usually tried not to think too much about Van, and she definitely didn't often ponder why she so often dreamed of him, nor why in the past few years her dreams had become increasingly more erotic.

She still had visions from time to time, her stay in Gaea seemingly intensifying that ability. She had held steadfast in her refusal to use her tarot cards anymore, but the visions still came occasionally, even without the focusing mediums of the cards or her necklace. Most of the time they weren't even violent, now that Gaea was enjoying some semblance of peace. Every so often she would get a glimpse of Van, in the beginning as he was working to rebuild a war-ravaged Fanelia. Now most of her visions of him showed him as he learned to rule a kingdom at peace while still preparing for the possibility of another war.

She also occasionally saw things to do with her own life here on Earth—mainly events significant in her life or the lives of those closest to her. She was actually glad she had foreseen Yukari's announcement of her engagement to Amano. Not because she still harbored any feelings for Amano herself, but rather because it enabled her to fight down her jealousy of Yukari's happiness and congratulate her best friend with sincerity.

She could at least admit to her jealousy in the quiet of her own mind on one of her runs. She could have even talked about it with Yukari, had it not necessitated more explanations than she cared to give or that Yukari could understand. She admitted she was jealous—jealous of Yukari's utter contentment with the man she loved at her side. Hitomi was jealous because the man she loved, the only man she wanted, was literally a world away and completely out of her reach.

She saw him in her visions, and so the ability had become precious to her. A blessing now, as much as it had been a curse on Gaea, with nothing but presentiments of death and destruction before her.

But her visions never granted her the ability to touch him, as she longed to do. That was saved for her dreams. Dreams she had also come to look forward to, to savor, and then refuse to contemplate in the light of day—as if the sunlight would evaporate them like a mist. Until now, that is. In the ten years since she had left Gaea forever, she had struggled hard to put all that had happened there into the back of her mind, but never really succeeded. Mostly she lived for the times when she could see Van, whether in dreams or in visions.

Dreams like the one she'd had last night, though it both embarrassed and pained her to remember the details now, in the harsh reality of daylight.

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In some tiny corner of her mind, Hitomi knew she was dreaming, that none of this was real and that when she woke she'd be as alone as always.

She didn't care, though, because right then Van was smiling up at her with the heat of desire in his dark eyes and only a thin sheet separated their naked bodies as she straddled his hips and smiled back at him. She nudged his hips with her own, rubbing lightly against his arousal. She knew what he wanted, and she wanted it too, but first...

"I'm going to get you!"

The slide of her fingertips down his side caused him to squirm underneath her, a startled breath of laughter bursting out from him.

"Why you little..." His playful growl as he tried to wrestle her arms away from his sides indicated the beginning of an all-out tickle war.

His helpless laughter and attempts to fend her off only served to spur on Hitomi's rarely seen mischievous streak.

"I wonder if anyone would believe me if I revealed the powerful King of Fanelia's one true weakness?" Hitomi gasped out between fits of giggles as she chased him across the bed while Van attempted to roll out of her reach.

The last ten years had been kind to Van. He had filled out in both height and muscle, but still kept the slim proportions she remembered from her time in Gaea. Strong, wirily muscled arms came up and trapped her briefly against his chest, his breath puffing into her still-short hair. She squirmed away, her escape made easier by the fact that he never used all his strength against her. Time seemed to move strangely as they tussled for dominance, she trying to return to her tickling, and he trying to avoid more of the gentle torture.

She laughed as they wrestled playfully across the bed, the sheet tangling between them and finally getting tossed to the floor. In the end, she was right back where she started, with him pinned beneath her in mock surrender.

"Fine. You win!" Van huffed out, smiling up at her with a combination of laughter, love, and lust swirling together in his eyes.

Both of them were breathing harder—whether from the play or from desire, she wasn't sure. It was the look that did it for her though, warming fires that had never really gone away. Hitomi's smile slowly turned from playful to sultry and her interest focused intently now on one thing.

Him.

"And now that I have you at my mercy, what should I do with my prize?"

Van's dark eyes turned smoky at the purr of desire in her voice, and his own voice was a little deeper when he replied.

"Anything you want, love. Anything you want."

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Her steps on the pavement faltered and then stopped as she shook herself out of the half-daze she'd fallen into recalling the events of last night's dream. She glanced around her, aghast to realize that she'd covered more than three-quarters of her accustomed two miles without even knowing it. With her body on autopilot while her mind wandered on a topic far from home, her feet had automatically traced her usual route. Hitomi sighed as began to run again, though more slowly than before, determinedly pushing away all thoughts of the dream.

'_What kind of life do I have,'_ she wondered as she ran, _'when I live from day to day wishing I could sleep through my life, wishing to never wake up. Van wanted me to be happy, but am I?'_

It had dawned on her recently that her time with him had ended ten years ago. Ten years and she was still hanging on to dream-wisps and vision-fragments. She had promised to never forget him. Her stay on Gaea had changed her, but in order to live a normal life here on Earth she knew that she had to force herself away from the ties she had formed there.

Faster than expected, Hitomi found herself back in front of her apartment building, sweating even more heavily than she had been earlier. As she let herself back in to begin to get ready for the rest of the day, she wondered again—as she had many times before—whether she would ever really be able to let go of the past. Whether she could ever really let go of the man she loved but could never be with again.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Visions and Dreams, part 2

Series: Escaflowne

Pairing: Van x Hitomi; Van x Merle

AN: It's kind of a long story, but I was battling depression when I wrote both the first part of this fic and large chunks of this installment. For that reason, this chapter was almost impossible for me to go back and finish, as it reminds me of a very painful time (though I suspect the tone of both chapters might not reflect that). I'm taking some liberties with canon here, as the series doesn't really go into any detail about the biological possibility/probability of interspecies breeding between the beast people and humans (made even more complicated by the fact that Van is not fully human himself, but half-Draconian). Nor does it go into much detail about the social/racial/political structure of Gaea as a whole (there's "these two countries are supposed to be friends" mixed with "Zaibach's bad, mmmkay?" and a helping of "random country names not mentioned until grand climatic battle at end"). I guess what I'm trying to say is, I made some shit up. If it seems awkward or not fitting in with canon, let me know.

Disclaimer: Escaflowne is not mine. All characters are the property of the original creator(s). No profit is being made from this work.

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His councilors were after him again, pressuring him to make a decision soon about his choice for a queen. After all, it had been ten years since he had assumed the throne of Fanelia right before the Zaibach invasion, and still no marriage—much less an heir to the throne—was in sight. It was making the councilors nervous. Most of them were sensible, well-meaning, and devoted to ensuring the good of the country. He wouldn't have appointed them if they were otherwise. That wasn't helping him now, though.

He knew that all of them would be shocked to know he'd already made his choice. In fact, had made it long ago. Somehow, somewhere in all the chaos that had begun with Zaibach's destruction of the capital of Fanelia, Van had lost his heart to the one girl he could never keep. Hitomi, the girl from the Mystic Moon, who had returned there after helping to save Gaea from self-destruction.

She had left behind her necklace-a token of her love for him, of their mutual promise never to forget that love. A necklace that he still wore; that had only rarely left his neck since she placed it there, and then only to replace the chain it hung from. For a while, the necklace had been his touchstone, providing tangible proof that the slender girl he'd fallen in love with truly existed.

It had also provided him with an unexpected link to her. He'd discovered shortly after she left that if he held the necklace and concentrated on her, sometimes he could see her, at least momentarily. It was fortunate that the connection worked only occasionally. Otherwise he might have spent all his time with his hand wrapped around the pendant, straining to reach her.

As hard as it was to be able to see her through the necklace-aided visions, the dreams were twenty times worse. He supposed it was Merle who saved his sanity—not to mention his kingship. Saved him from the dreams that were both comfort and torture with her constant presence.

He loved Merle, he truly did. He loved her for staying by his side through all these years, unwaveringly loyal, unhesitatingly helpful. He loved her for helping him rebuild Fanelia. He loved her for giving of herself unstintingly. Unfortunately, he wasn't in romantic love with her. His feelings had become a strange hodgepodge over the years, mutating into some not completely identifiable amalgam of affection mixed with the companionship of a shared lifetime and a genuine appreciation of her abilities. He loved her, yes. It was different from the love he'd shared with Hitomi—but love nonetheless. They both knew, and accepted, that if Hitomi were to reappear in Van's life, he would choose to be with her. How could he not? But that didn't negate the feelings he had for Merle, built on the foundation of years—years he hadn't spent with Hitomi.

He remembered how horrified he'd been the first time he'd woken up with Merle in his bed. Horrified because, for just a moment when he'd woken to the feel of a warm female body next to his, he'd thought it was Hitomi—and when he realized it wasn't, he'd almost broken down into tears.

He hadn't wanted to use Merle like that, but she'd insisted. Rumors had started flying about his possible mental instability—people hearing noises from his room, half a conversation to a nonexistent person—he'd almost had no choice but to acquiesce.

He asked her about it once, after one of the more intense dreams. They were still lying together, Merle's head on his chest. Her hand stroked down his arm, still damp from their earlier exertion.

"I thought you hated Hitomi, Merle!"

"Well, she was a rival for your affections, Lord Van, so it was only natural that I'd hate her, at least a little bit. Plus, she could be kind of whiny, you know."

"Merle!" His protest carried no sting of actual anger, but an undercurrent of rare laughter.

"Well, she could!"

The conversation paused, and he contemplated how her fingers looked, entwined with his own.

"So why did you tell me to go to her, all those years ago?" He felt more than heard her deep sigh.

"How do you justify keeping that kind of love apart, if it's possible for the two people to be together? I would tell you to go to her now, Lord Van, if Fanelia could survive without you."

He could see the absolute conviction of her words shining out of her golden-brown eyes. It humbled him. After all, he'd done nothing to earn the love of two such completely different women. Merle had every right to resent his inability to feel the same passion for her that he felt for Hitomi, but she didn't. She did worry, though. She worried that he was letting his feelings influence what he should do—_had _to do—in order to ensure that his nation, his world, had hope for a lasting peace.

They'd promised each other that they'd never forget, that they'd always love each other. Van intended to keep that promise, and he knew Hitomi would as well. But for the sake of Fanelia he needed to, not give up his feelings for her, but push them back. Push them deeper inside so that the longing, the love, the joy was banked—still burning and alive inside of him, but allowing him to fulfill his duty to his country and to Gaea.

And so the dreams just stopped, as if his decision had constructed a mental wall, not allowing a connection between the two of them. When a month passed without any Hitomi dreams of any kind, Merle quietly informed him she would no longer be sleeping in his rooms at night.

He suspected this was her gentle way of reminding him that he needed to choose a suitable wife and produce an heir.

He'd briefly considered marrying Merle, but couldn't quite bring himself to do that to her. It didn't seem right to tie her to someone whose heart she knew lay elsewhere. The weightier reason though, in his councilors eyes, was that in all their time together as lovers Merle had never conceived. As Van himself was half-Draconian, no one knew if they would even be able to have children. As the councilors said, it had been proven that Draconian blood was able to mingle with human; therefore he had best take a human woman as his queen and the mother of his heirs.

So he married to solidify alliances, to stabilize a Gaean peace that was still all too fragile. Married one of the daughters of ?, a practical, even-tempered young lady who seemed happy enough at being removed from the shadow of an overbearing mother and older sister. Who seemed accepting that theirs was a marriage of alliance, not emotion; accepting that, though he would teach himself to care, would value what she gave to him, she could not replace the missing portion of his soul.

Van is relieved when Merle finds her own happiness, though it takes her from the palace and out into the city. He misses her, but is relieved that finally—_finally_—Merle is able to be first in someone's heart. He cannot quite bring himself to feel the same when a vision reveals that Hitomi has married.

They both had children. Van's visions had shown him flashes of Hitomi with an infant girl that bore too much resemblance to her to belong to another. His own wife had produced a son—it seemed the Fanelian royal family ran to males.

And as the years pass, somehow King Van, along with Queen Millerna of Asturia, Duke Mahad of Freid, and all the others of the core group that defied Zaibach manage to forge new alliances while strengthening the bonds between their countries. They manage, finally, to restore Gaea to a more secure peace. A peace they, the rebels of old, know must actively nurture lest it wither and die. And the current generation learns to live without the threat of imminent death and destruction; the new generation grows up having never known the terrors of war.

A month after the ceremony celebrating both his son's 25th birthday and confirmation of succession to the throne of Fanelia, King Van of Fanelia disappears from the palace. No one in the kingdom seemed particularly shocked, given the history of the royal family. After all, had the King's own brother and mother not done exactly the same? After a year's fruitless search, the unmourning Queen Dowager quietly has her husband, King Van Slezar de Fanel, declared dead.


End file.
